So I know I have been posting alot the past few days. I have alot of time to think around my job maybe that is a good or bad thing.
So the question of the day is what is faith?
I was raised in a nondenominational christian family that slowly stopped going to church. I went to christian schoold from k-junior high then a specialty school for the overly bright for highschool (best way I can discrip it). At cristian school we were require to dress up every Thursday and go to church during a set time usally right after lunch.
Have very mixed feelings about christian school. I had some good teachers but i also had a principal call me demon spawn for questioning him.
I have read the Bible cover to cover I read it all in one year. I have found that very few christians have actually read the whole bible as a continous book. These are just in people I have meet.
I always had a problem with having to go to church, having to accept Jesus into my life every year. I questioned if I was saved why did I have to reup my renowal form.
I was a very impetous kid. Always questioning why. I still do that.
When my class mats where giggling, playing games, and talking about tv shows I was reading litature, science books, anything I could get my hands on. Why they where drawing white Jesus I drew brown Jesus because he was from the middle east. I also stated early on Jesus was a Jew and animals has spirits so they went to heaven too. I also read fantasy books in bible class. My work was already done so me and my teacher had a deal.
By sixthgrade I was questioning the Christian faith and its teaching. They said love they neighbor treate other as you would want to be treated. But here I was getting bullied and getting out of the school parking lot every day was like trying to get through a dempolition derpy. Where was the love, where was brotherhood, where was God.
The last straw hit me in eigth grade. I had been wounded by my classmates bullies I had suffered with for years. I was in a cast for six months on crutches for seven and had to have a surgery and physical therapy because of them. My school did not punish them or even defend me because I was the problem child. I was in church and they forced me to stand and sign or be suspended. My faith broke.
I didtced church with my mom's help for the rest of the year. Only one boy who hurt me ever apoligized and said it wasn't suppose to go that far. I still apreciated that.

I wuestioned what is faith, what is God?
I couldn't be an athest because I believed to much in the spirits of animals and the soul. Agnostic didn't seem to work either. I spent highschool jumping around churches never finding God in any of them, I read thru books of faith. Try to learn about all the faiths I could.
I found cominalities in them and underlining theme of love and hope. Hope became my support for without hope I could not breaht. Dum spero spiro latine for while I breath I hope became my own personal motto. Keep fighting was another. I still hold these things true.
I prayed ocastionally but felt so alone. The only place I didn't feel alone was in nature. Walking through the woods, going kayaking, biking around the desert, holding my beloved dog.
Nature had a spirit it had God.
From then one my temple became nature. If I needed peace I went out not into a building. I love gothic arcitacture, temples, churches. I love them but find no God in them.
I tried going back but it doesn't work.

By the time I went to college if someone asked me my faith I said I believed in all faiths all are one just devided by the seprate forms of man. Remeber the flow and themes I found had conected them. I am also a studier of weapons and mythology. Here again where things with flow and theme of similarities.
I rembered the story of Babyl (sp?) the tower buildt to the sky to touch good and the divition of man. Could not faith be the same way?

It was not until my senior year of college I took up the word Unitarian an beliver of all faiths.
My faith if very buddist, shinoist, abrahamic. But I believe in the ability of man to love and care for all, the spirit of the world and its creatures, a God or gods who created us to make our own lives but helps us out with fate/desiny/signs/helping hand when we really need it. The world is alive everything has a spirit and as man would are not here to rule the world but to be apart of it. I pray no longer for myself but for those who really need it. I pray that understanding will win and hate will lose. Love and hope are the marks of a good being.
The messangers of God such as Buddha, Jesus, Muhhamad are becouns to giude us to the right path.

Faith is not of a comunity but of an individual.

It hurts to see others hurt with their faith. Kill in the name of God, hate in the name of God. God is love.

I still constantly try to learn the teachings of faith of the world. Knowlage is power. I still get mad at God for pain.
I still beive in a heaven/paradise, purgatory, and a very small hell. Only that who are truelly eveil and those are small in number live in hell, but everyone else after srving a time can go to Heaven. I will serve my time in purgatory for the pain I have wrot for the sins I have formed. But I still try to be a good person to be able to look myself in the eye at the end of the night.

Faith is what you amke it.
As I say I will be cool with you if you aren't hurting others, yourself, or nailing puppies to a door.

In questioning faith I have become stronger in it. In questioning the rules of this world we become stronger in our grasp of it. A large part of my faith is to question why.

So just some thought. Our duty is to question why, for if you question you can not let a thing stand just as it is, you have already changed the thought of it just by asking.

I pray for a better world.

Gahh! Why are people so stupid. Why!
Maine I am so disaponted in you. How could you pass that law against peoples rights. You too California we haven't forgotten about you. Yeah Washington. But the rest of you come one.
America the great nation the becon to the world. The biggest loud moths with the smallest brains more like it.
Help people didn't we already do this I believe it was called the civil rights movement. America is supposably the home of the free and the brave. So why are people so scared of two people kissing and getting married. Why don't we allow all our citizens to have the same rights.
We are making a minority population second class. We did this with people of difrent skin colors, diffrent religious beliefs, now the gbtl comunity is getting the stick.
I am not gay I have many gbtl friends. I didn't have a problem with them before I had friends in the comunity. And even if I didn't have friends I would still be upset to see people pushed down.
I didn't like it when I was a kid getting picked on by bullys because I wore glasses, or had black friends, or was not white enough. I hate bully and the american population is becoming a bully.
It just isnt right. To let those with the right to freedom to take other peoples rights away with that freedom. It just isn't right.
We humans are so dumn and hurtful creatures.
We use our beliefs as a conveent shield to protect our claims.
The messanges of the world religions preach love and forgiveness and acceptaince. So why do we use the hate and ignorance to destroy those things.
It just isn't right that I can love, marry, hold my parteners hand because I am an inny and they are an outty. It isn't right.

It isn't right to take away the safties of marriege to those fool or brave enought to try a hand at forever.
It isn't just about marrage.
It is the ability to know your children are safe if they lose you, you can take care of your partner when they are wounded, to even pay taxes as equals. There is so much that goes into that little piece of paper. That has nothing to do with the romance of amrrige or religion. It ahs alot to do with safety. To have somebody there in the long cold nights of you life.

What are people thinking. How can they be so ignorant, so hateful, so scared to do that to another. They might not think of it as hurting someone but they are.

It is safety in the work place, in school, in law, in so much.

How many kids with bashed in brains is it going to take, how many protest, how many linchings, how many hateful laws. Before we see we have already run this path and we have already found the answer to it.

Wake up america you are hurting your coworker, your teacher, your student, you child, you relitive, you friend all because they are something they had no chioce in being. Just like you don't choose your parents, the color of your skin, what sex you where born as, or even where you where born.

I am ashamed to call myself human.

Bad american state populations no cookie for you.
Wake up the world is waiting and it is beutiful you just have to step out of the haze of ignorance to see it.
This is our new civil rights movement step up and relize it.

Do you ever feel out of place in your body like you just don't belong there.
That you are suppose to be someone else, something else, somewhere else.

I don't know how I feel about the whole past lives thing but it does make sence if you feel like the world is wrong around you.
I am more apt to believe in string theory and that I am felling my mutliple selves then my past selves.

You probably wonder why I would even ask this question and go into this circular an answerable and muddled thought. If you want to stop reading now. I don't know if I am going to sound deep or just plain crazy. Sometimes I think I am, sept people keep calling me the sane one.

Through out my life I have had dreams and moments that are not fitting to the life I live.
So I will start with dreams.

Every year mutliple times a year I have the same version of the same dream. I rember it clearly everytime and it is of my oldest memories. I am running moon on my back, sents filling my nose. The ground is cool and wet underneath me and I make parly a sound as I run across the meadow into the woods. My heart is bpounding with the action of running yet I don not feel tired but alive. Something is rising in me something primal. I call to the moon and keep on running. I relize I feel the ground under me not with feet but with paws. The sounds of the forest fill my ears and I hear my goal.
This is where it varies sometimes I go hunting, sometimes I run until I callops under the moon with the sun just about to rise, sometimes I find a pool of water.
I am not human. I am a wolf fully truelly with all that goes with it. What human thoughts I had fall under my wake as I continue to run. I howl with joy and for a moment I am free.
I hate to wake. I wake to feeling out of place and like something has been taken from me. I spend the rest of the day over sensitive to nose, lights, taste, sound, and other people. If possible I just try to go for a run or get away from humans.
In collage this sense of being not human got worse. It consumed me in the hours of the worst time of my life like a shield. I was tooth, fang, and wild. I used work to push it down and keep myself from exploding with the need to hunt to run to be free.
I have a name for my wolf. She is large, strong, an alpha, my black wolf, myself. Terra when I am a wolf in human skin I am Terra. Terra rules me. I can keep her penned in with a coller litterally. Sometimes all that keeps me from someones throught is that coller. My fienca has been on the ather side of that coin. He kisses a woman and opens his eyes to an animal. I have actually hurt him in these moods. It is hard to keep it all in.

Now understand me when I say I am a wolf, a black wolf. I don't mean like a furry. I have furry friends and I really enjoy there company. But I could never put on a fur suit to be fufilled as my animal self. There is nothing short of turing fully into a wolf that could satify that feeling. I have actually have had other people come up to me and call me a preditor. When I am in Terra mood I notice more people step out of my way. I am not mad. I will actually smile at people but my grin is as a friend said very wicked. I love to loup along when I am in these mood. I am a happy wolf, defensive and angery if need be. At less times and very rare accotions I can sense the other 'animals' in the room the preditors and prey in human skin. Prey is very rare.
When I say prey I mean it in the way of a wolf those leaf eaters I so love. I do not prey upon humans or animals in human skin.
I have meet only one other person who understands these feelings and was willing to talk abpout them. I myself until I meet her was afraid to utter more then a few words of what I was feeling. My fiance has gotten me to told about it in length with him but unfortunatly the coversations only started after I almost broke one of his bones.

Maybe in one of my past lives, string lives I was a wolf. Maybe shapeshifters did exsist and I am just so dilluted in blood I can't escape these bounds of flesh. Maybe I am just closer to the spirit/natural world. Maybe my choo-choo has jumped the trakes and I need some crazy pills to put me back on them. Maybe my soul got put in the wrong body. I will never be a true worlf because I am in this body. So part of me will always feel trapped. Terra is a muse to me and who I want to be in the storm of this fight we call life.

So are you still with me. You haven't run for the hills or called the padded room on me. The creat thing about anominomy (sp?) you not knowing who truelly I am is that I don't have to fear you hurting me for saying these things. I don't have to be yelled at or have things thrown at me or see that look of she is scary in you eye. The latter hurts the worst.

Experiences. Have you ever picked up an object and knew how to use it beyond your skill, been to a place and felt like you where finally home, speak in a way that doesn't fit your time or training. well if you have maybe you are feeling the effects of daysavo, lost memories, another life?
In highschool I did martial arts. Actually up until recently I have been training in one weaopn of another for 11 years. But the moment in highschool is my exsample. I was doing staff work with my sensai then he handed me a new weapon. A maganata/glaive. A five foot staff with a two foot curved blade on the end. The weight felt perfect. After some forms where I quickly learned its size and feel we began to spare. For the first time I was holding my own nay winning. My sensai switch from staff to sword to his own naginata and still I was pushing him. I had never even seen one of these weapons. I had years of staff training but had rarely if ever pushed my sensai. Also for those you who have trained in staff work and then switched to a bladed staff you know if throws you. It just didn't.
I have to work hard at weapons work. Only knife and staff have come easier to me. But the naginata was an old friend I had forgotten.
When I fight with a knife I fight like my training and instict tells me to. But this was diffrent I can still rember the feeling so clearly.

My friends joke I am a noble. I live by honor codes, or try to atleast. I have the weirdest sence of justice, leadership. I am very much like the old noble/knight/fighter you read about in history. I just don't fit for the large part. I would have been very happy as a warrior monk, a samurai, a knight, a master of arms. So my area of history is concentrated on the world I have much incomin with.
Yes I enjoy many things about the modern world, health care, freedom as a women, the apility to dress as I want be who I want love who I want. But a part of my caughts me missing days gone by that i never lived in my life. Do things I have never learned.
It is just odd. and makes me feel so out of place.

Still with me. I think the above more people can relate with then feeling like an animal.

I am very masculan in attitude for a woman. I am a leader, a fighter, a scholer, a dreamer, but I aprouch things if you believe what others say more like a man. I have always been a tomboy king of the tire sort of girl. I am the more masculan counterparts in my relationships with friends and my love. I make guy mistakes with girls yes I have done the 'you ass is huge in that dress' thing. I just don't get girls for a large part. Which is funny since most of my friends are girls. Up until higschool all of my friends where basically boys. They started acting weird around me in middleschool and it took me until college to figure that one out. I used to think it would be great to be a boy times i still think so. I never asked to be a girl. Boobs are annoying, I don't want kids so why do I have to go thu all the shit that comes with having those parts. I am having issues in that area again and I think how nice would it be to ditch it all and be a boy. I wouldn't have to go thru all the shit that comes with being a girl from hormones to guys treating me dumn because I have boobs, to having to prove I can run with the big boys and beat them. I didn't even start dressing really acting like a girl till my second semester at college. First semester I was the project.
I can understand why trans people could feel out of place in there bodies and be willing to go thru the pain of making a new life like that.
No I am not going to go get enjections and turn into a guy. First off I would lose my fiance and he makes me happy to be a girl. But it is just something else that makes me feel out of place.

My whole life I feel like a puzzle that is missing pieces. As i get older this feeling gets worse. With ever moment I feel trapped inside my own skin with no way out. All I can do to releve it is run, work, or push it away. But it gets harder to do so. Terra takes a little longer to coller, my blade is harder to put down, my frustration with the world around me is harder to qwell.

Am I alone in this. This feeling I am something more then what I seem.
So ask again to those of you who have stayed with my thru all the spelling errors and circular thought:
Do you ever feel out of place in your body like you just don't belong there.
That you are suppose to be someone else, something else, somewhere else.

Do you long as I to run free from your bonds of this flesh and be who you are on the inside.
How do you live with it. Each year becomes hard for me. For me to be this woman and not that being. my family would never understand any of this. The barely understand me being goth.

So as we all know when filling out a new job application, medical form, political form, drivers liscense test, sat, or a number of varring pieces of paperwork that tell who we are to another person we must fill out our name, gender, phone number, wether we where or where not a vetrain, whetether we where glasses or not, and then one thing that always balks me your race/ethnicity.
I do one thing ever time I run across that black place, that fill in the bubble, that definition of who I am. I put in Mutt.
I have been doing this strange turn of events since probably fourth or fifth grade on my sat. We where suppose to fill in just one bubble to tell the government who we where. I got it into my head at that time that they where trying to see if I was smarter then my black, latino, or asain classmates. Also I had to choose between being native american and white. I am native american two generations off from being able to be blood to my tribe, I have no conection with them in Manie since almost all the family on my mom's side passed away when I was very young. I just didn't like the feel that some stranger would determin who and what I was by some stupid bubble filled in with a number two pencil. So I filled in both bubbles that related to me. I continued this even up through my college carrer and changed it around sometimes filling in more bubbles, or if the had an other I wrote in Mutt. I will still do it throughout my master degrees.
I didn't come up with Mutt till I was 13 and had to go into surgery to remove a tumor from my foot. My Dad was sitting beside me helping me fill out the paperwork that may have precluded to the amputation of part of my foot. I was terrified because moments before they said I might have cancer. I filled out every question dilagntly till I came to what race/ethnicity are you. I looked up at my dad, I had been doing the bubble thing on sats but this was a hospital, so I asked him "did I have to fill it out?" he said "no, he never did and though it was stupid" so I wrote in one word that I felt discribed who I was, Mutt, just an american mutt.

I am a mix of people, a blood of opposites. Irish, Scotish, German, Russian, Pennobscot, welsh, maybe swedish and french. My family has lost so much of it's past history that we don't really know all of where we came from. I know my great grandmother was first generation born german imagrent and her family feared to speak german during the first world war. I know from my father's side we have had fighting men in the ww2, the civil war, all the way to the revolutionary war, hessians and loyal to be exsact. but I did not relate to anyone group I'm proud of my heratige but I can no more say i'm more irish then German.

So one more as I filled out my job paperwork to be hired at the Museum i filled out Mutt where I should have put my code of what ethnicity I am. The woman revuwing my paperwork stopped and looked at me and I explaned that I have done this for years and it is my one small protest to change the system as I see it.

I don't believe and have never seen color, sept when it is shoved in my face. I love my friends not because they are black, or white, or blue. I love them because they are people.
I don't believe we as a the human species can survive divided. we are not just what we look like but a complex system of rasing, beliefs, and nuances. How can all of that be confined tyo a small space, a bubble, a code? We are not black and white. We are the human species, as defined by sceince and, if you so believe, a high power.
We shouldn't scwaple over such petty difrences.

So just a simple word, Mutt. Until humans take down their divides and fully embrace eachother I will write mutt because I am proud of my mixed blood that I am no more pure then the common cur at the pound. I will write it until I am proud, trually proud, to say I am human.

So a silly protest, maybe, but it is my small one against the system of ignorance as I see it. i hope anyone that reads my paperwork my records stops and says "MUTT!?" and it makes them think.

keep fighting, because if we don't our ancestory and our protigy will loss this world to hate, ignorance, and disdain.

so got notice Tuesday that i will be starting work monday at the Tonopah Mining Park as thier felloship intern curator. Will be working 9-5 5 days a week with health, dental, and eye care. Am set up for a 1 yr term as the intern. So I will be incharge of the museum, resaearch/archival, programs/displays, and keeping the place clean until I go to grad school next fall.
So things are finally falling into place.

In other news have a clean bill of health and can't wait until I get to walk and see friends in two more weeks.

So last week the add finally came out for my job and I rushed right down to fill out the application and turn in my resuma. I got a call monday for a job interview Tuesday morning. I got dresses up, brought in examples of my privous work, and answered all the three interviewes questions for an hour and half. Now I'm sitting Friday wondering when I'll be called and if somehow this week was just some twisted dream and when I wake up it will be last Thursday no add in paper and I have to figure out what I'm going to do next. But I'm already starting to do that, i hope they call be next Monday. I saw the stack of apps turned in and there was only like 6 or 7. This town is so dead with people who want to work but won't do the work I don't understand (not be consceted here) how there is anyone here more qualified then me for the fellowship.
I have exsperience in archival work, library work, mudeum work, gallery work, working by myself, and am going on with my schooling.

I just miss Badger so much and I'm tired of waiting around for other people. It's one of my biggest pet pevs, besides people who don't keep their word, and closed minded ideots.

So everyone send out a prayer, cross your fingers, send good karma vibs, whatever for me to know what is going to happen to the next year of my life. Because if I need to move I need to know that I can before May.

So as most of you know that have been reading my rants that I was suppose to have a job working for a musuem and that is why I moved back to Nevada. You also know things did not as per usual turn out as planned.
So I made an altimatum or pack with my Dad and fienca. I would give the job two more weeks and then I would move on with my life and do whatever that intailed.
Well week one has been struck down with one windy walk to the post office, week two will come again next Thursday with another walk to the post office.
If it is struck down also I will make the motions to liquidat this house, its contents, and my life here.
I don't know if that means moving back to Humboldt or elswere until such the time comes to move onto grad school (aka fall of 2010 since I missed the deadlines for this year).
I will continue to work on my wedding and my future but all stars point my future here is wanning more quickly then schedualed.
Nevada was never permanint, but I will always resent the fact I gave up a job I loved and wasted my precious time for nothing.
I will not be leaving here until after May no matter what because my Dad needs the help to move and it takes time to sell a house.

So that is the plan by April 9th I will know if I can stop having my chain yanked and by April 16 I will have decided the next step in my life.

Until then I'm thinking about becoming a babysiter three nights a week for money, it is better then working fast food.

I keep wondering how I got myself into this place. I graduated early, killed myself to do it, for what? A job it was a gamble all along, true. First it was January, then it was the end of March, now it's somtime in April. I wish they would just stop fucking around with me, if I don't have the job tell me if I do tell me. I keep getting sideways hints and words on the wind. Everyone seems to know more then I do and no one can tell me. I'm so sick of this bullshit. I want to be working I want a reason for killing myself to get out of school, I want a reason for leaving a job I loved with bosses I adored like grandmothers, I want a reason for not being with my friends or my fienca, and why I keep going through this shit with my dad.
I have nothing really to show for these last few months. I cleaned the house which got trashed with the constrution, I went through and piled up a bunch of stuff to go out which then got all mixed up because of the construction so I'm pasically at step one. I've been eating like shit because i don't have a real kitchen. I don't have a martial art. So my body is lossing muscle and I'm fighting to stay healthy which is already a challenge for me.
I'm trying not to get deppresed again because I need to keep myself going. I keep telling myself just this many days till my dad moves out of my house and I get my fienca back because he will be graduating from college and then moving here to be with me.
I just need to make it to 2010 then I'm getting married, getting out of here, and going to get my MA. It's just that everyday just seems to get longer, and harder. I saw Badger then went on a cruise and that ate up alot of time and made me happy. But barely a week gone by from getting back from my trips and I feel that cloud of weight that drags me down into the darkness, again.
If I had known I would be at college with my friends, with my love, with my favorite teacher, doing fencing, taking art classes, eating and excersising like I always have.

It just all gets so hard becaus emy dad is living with me, I love him, but gods know I need some bloody space! I need not to have to repeat myself twelvemillion times just so he knows i'm going shopping. The thing is I don't even think he notice if I just disappered for a few days, 'sept there would be no one to listen to his repeative talking and cooking dinner.

Parents!!!!!!!!!!! Atleast I don't feel like a srewed up 13 yr old around him anymore, I have moved onto being a bitchy 18 yr old. When I'm actually 22.

The constrution is almost done just need counter tops and a sink then I can really get this house into order and CLEAN it! Until then fix my eating, try to stay...passified, get rid of crap, start excersising consistently, and remeber to breath.

It might help if I put up a calender and marked off the days of my incaseration with a big red sharpy.

ok that little rant made me feel somewhat better. just breath Wolf, just breath.

I always say keep fighting. It's just easier when there is a physical component you can beat.

Got to set up my punching bag.

Ok so over the years I have trended more and more to the goth seen. Now I actually identify as goth, yes I labeled myself something I have avoided for years. I was not the first one to call myself goth my friends did that. They called me their cool, happy goth. I don't claim to be cool in anyways. So what is the point of this little "rant". Well I'm getting to it.
There seems to be alot of suptext to being goth from clothes to music to overall attitude. Even though the origanl subculture is do to english punk music in the 80's. Some people even label gothism as a religion. Wow right. I always though it was a mind set.
No I don't do the whole thinking I'm a vampire thing, drive a herse, have an overly morbit facination for detah, or like to look palier then a new white sheet in contast to a blizzard. In fact I think that is all a little silly and so highschool goth.

I knew goths in highschool. One state quit frankly to me "My favorite color is pink I just look better in black." Before she wrenched her ankle she had been a balirena and now did art instead. So what made her goth. So was easy to atetify as goth because of the makeup and clothes. But to me it was her art it had more depth and a greater sence of the understandingof human tradijy. So that is where I started with the formation of the idea that goth was a mind set of the individual.

I wasn't goth in highschool or for most of college. I never looked down on goths, except maybe the wantabe vampires. The cloths where so exspensive and they still are. I have always worn alot of black and red they are my favorite colors. In junior high I started always whering some black. I don't know why I just relized I did it uncontiously and just kept the trend. I have been nicknamed Cash as in Jonny Cash by one or two ramndom people for it. Don't get me wrong I like goth clothing and wear it but not all the time. I don't do the makeup thing either, I don't really like makeup and I don't need to darken my eyes they already have natural shading. I tend to wince at people who cake themselves with makeup nature has its own beuty and they should let it shine through. Ok I'm a minamalist too.

I boght my first goth clothing because my roomate in college convinced me to by a long black bondage jacket. I have always liked long black jackets being of a height that can pull them off. SO I guess that was my first step into goth subculture. But cloths don't make a goth, that's just a fation trend. I hate gothic loleta stuff, don't do the alice in wonderland, and don't parade around in victorian. In fact I trend to more tank tops, midrifts, and biker gear. But I love the collers. I have always like chockers and collers are just a big chocker, sides I like showing off my neck when someone blinks trice at my choice in jewelery.
I like bright colors and will wear on of my long black jackets with a hawaian shirt. Goth dresses just tend to be very pretty and safisticated.

So am I making anypoints so far. I have been to goth sights that sell books on how to be goth. I just went to one today that basically said this is all the usall goth stuff but be yourself and make it your own at the same time they where premoting their own book on how to be goth from clothes, to language, to what your should read and listen too. Actually I found it kinda funny that the things they where recomending are things that I am already drawn too. So be in but be yourself is the theme otherwise your a posser. But in a society that is suppoes tobe about inviduality, freethinking, and cotradicting society how can there be possers. Possers in this case = people trying to hard.

I have seen stuff thta makes me made. Like a vidio on youtube intitled I'm a goth. It just genralizes in the short of it that goth kids are self made outcast that think they are dark where to much black and makeup and are wantabe vamps who think they are smarter and better then everyone else but should just go get a life. That is so highschool goth. I know I'm difrent and proud of it don't starotype me. Each goth I have know is diffrent from the other as many "preppy people" I have known are diffrent from eachother. It's like saying all jocks are stupid or anyone who lisens to Bob Marly is a stoner. There is sertan demographics but its just not true.

yes I do have a morbid sence of humor (who doesn't apreciate a dead baby joke) and an anceptiance of detah. You have that when you have buired almost all your family and a few friends. Pluss I live by certain honor codes that intitle me to be more exsepting of death. I am not a morbidly depresed person that only dwells on the aspects of death and dying. Life is to short to waste it on such thing. If you exsept death you can truelly enjoy life becaus eyour just not worried about it. I am a cynic in part and largly sarcastic.

My gothenness involves my mindset. the acceptience of beaty and death. The figth with inerr termoil, the acceptant of the weird and the other life style. But its much deper then that I can't explain. I am more then just a goth, or just a girl, or just a matrial artist. I don;t think you ahve to be do down on life to be a goth. Actually I'm a happy goth, it confuses people more.

So I wear the cloths (sometimes), I like the music (part of it), I wear alot of black and red that is very blood like, I like collers, I tend to be more morbid in someways, I tend to overthink that state of the world and its downfalls, I tend to flaunt my inteligence and be sharp of tongue. I tend to be into gothic things, I'm a medieval historian it goes with the teritorry.

So to other goths am I a posser or am I a fellow sister? I don't know. But I took a large step in labeling myself a happy goth. Theres more to it all then what people preseve and label others as. Alot of it was an inward exseptance of self. In a few years I may not be goth to others, especially if this loleta thing continues. But for know I'm seen by other non goths as the genuin article. I don't anounce I'm a goth unless someone ask. This rant is another occation of couse. I just needed to think things out and state somethings.

If you think goth is just black I have always been goth, if you think it as a mind set I have been since before junior high, if you think it as a fation trend I'm since my last year in college, if you think nothing at all good for you. I've been cosidered a werewolf by most people then I have been called goth, but that is another story all together.

Being goth, as in most things, is about being an individual and acceptant of yourself.

So my two cents hope some of it made sence.

Keep fighting, for we have nothing in this world but for the things we love. Without those things there is no reason to dream and without dreams there is no reason to live.

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.



- Knives!: Ok were do I start with knives. My facination with them since childhood or just learning how to actually play with them from Tony. I have been cooking most of my life so I have a large grasp on cooking knives and the scars to prove it. I have split my thumb open more then once with a meat knife when I was a kid making homemade jerky. I bought my first pocket knife when I was twelve without my parents knowlage and my first small hunting knife when I was sixteen this time with Mom's aprroval. My Dad didn't know about it till last year. I learned some knife evation stuff in Aikido and Kenjitsu but that was more towards Tantos and not much at that during highschool. I learned a little how to through knives when I was like seven but my mom found out and really let the guy who was teaching me have it. We where out camping with a club.
So my first actually knife fighting training came in college from Tony. I started it about two years ago and did it off and on because people needed to be there to train and I was really into the raiper. Last summer I trained with just the navai with Tony and feel in love with it. I also loved working one on one with Tony, it was like working with my Sensai hard grueling and absolutly exsilerating.
I miss knife most of all now that I am no longer in fencing.
Oh up until a year ago I always cared my hunting knife with me since it is about the size of a pocket knife. I really need to get back in the habit.


- Curry :D: Yumm bliss in a bowl! I had had Indian food only once until I meet Lara and so introduced me to the food that is nirvana on earth. I love curry and wish I could cook with it. I need to try again. My favorite thing to do up at Humboldt was go get Indian food and a nasty/shit day. When it comes to curry I like it spicy, but sometimes the dish is much better warm. Now I'm hungery for Indian food and can't get any. Curse you Dreamous, curse you!

- gothy!: Ok so I figured this one would come up. I suprised alot of you when I showed up in full goth gear on my little trip. Ok so how long have I been a goth? Since before highschool I just didn't relize it. Well it did in someways. I had goth friends in highschool and didn't dress because well it's highschool you don't need to get grouped anymore then you have to. Sides I was just ghosting out of there anyways, the only people who miss me are the teachers. In college Lara got me to take a deeper look at it. It all started off my second semester with a longblack boundage coat, you know the one. Then the next with pleather pants and fishnet shirts. Then I just went on my own with a coller, more long black coats, relizing my music was goth. I didn't go full goth till my senior semester, I had to relize who I was before I stepped out into the gapping jaws of the world. I don't do goth all the time, can't afford to clothing or job wise. But I always have a touch of black on me whick I have been doing since seventh grade. It helps that my engagment ring has black onyx in it insted of a diamond. Collers make me feel centered in the midst of choas and sometimes they are holding back the beast inside of me. I love the look of rope, chains, and baggy pants in contrast to tight tops. Sides in plays into my whole fighting against my better angels and worser demons, sarcastic, not all reveling personality. Also I love being everyones ( ie friends) happy goth. It confuses people way to much to see someone dressed like death and smiling to high heaven. Oh and I don't play into the whole vamp emo part of being goth. I am a werewolf ask anyone that really knows me. Sides I like having a tain and don't really like makeup.

- your truck: AH my Baby Boy. I bought him with my own money when I was seventeen. I love him so much. And yes my S-10 Chevy is a boy. When I got him I planned to drive away from my life, but found out I hated driving city traffic and college was just as much an escape. I have tried to take care of him. But he has gotten dents, scratches, and paint chipped. Didn't help that I backed into a mailbox last year that put a gaint dent in the tailgate. He only sits three people so I could only have a few close friends ask me for rides, or atleast that was the plan in theory. Didn't work out that way. When I do get rid of my Baby it will be for a hybrid, hopefully truck. But that won't be anytime soon. I love him so much but he does have apondonment issues because anyone who has been to the mall with me knows I loss him in everyparking lot I go to.

- stabby death to the kidneys (aka fencing in general): The shank was started by Steven I just probogated it, because it equivalates into a weird kinda hug from me. Yes everytime I hit you in the kidneys you should think Sue loves me this much. *hold out arms gapping open* I love fencing but it wasn't my first taste of weapons training. I have been in a martial art for almost a decade now. Started with basically a streetfighting style name Kenpo which I learned minamal staff work. Then went onto Aikdo, bojitsu, and kenjitsu all at the same time. Learned the staff (5 and 6 foot, prefer the 6), naginata, yara, flexable weapons (which I'm not very good at and not that well trained), some tanto, two sword fighting with the katana and wakisasia, though I prefer just using the katana two handed. Then I went onto fencing learned the french foil (hate it and not very good at it), the spanish rapier with some dagger, then the navai.
My favorite and most natural weapon is the naginata. It is basically a staff with a curved knife at the end my two favorite weapons. The first time I held one it was like coming home and the first time I fought wiht it I was doing moves that I had never been trained for. It was the first time I ever had my sensai on the ropes. I get that same feeling everytime I pick it up. I wish I had one. But the staff makes me feel good too, but a little sad to be gone from formal training. I should start practicing more. I feel the same way about the knife. They are so natural to me.
If anything has been taught to me in the last few months of not being in a martial form is that I need to be. They center me and the wrage that is my sin. I want to be back with somekindaof formal weapons training and will be once I go to graduate school. Until then I will practice and when David is here we will spare.

I hope those where sutable answers if you have anymore inquires please send a self adrressed envelope to the "middle of no and where to pracice martial arts" in the town of "get me the hell out of here and to a sword" Nv.

Cheers

As the us and most of the world looks at a new presidential beginning for the next four years, I wonder about my next four years. Presidents come and go. Trust me I hope this guy can do half the stuff he was planning on the trail, he has a bumppy start to go off of. I'm not saying the last guy didn't get a bag full of shit handed to him, either.
I hope some things will come through like healthcare. As I get older my body decides to show me how much more mysterous alliments it can conquer and I want some way to take care of myself when I can't control them.
But I also hope for a better economy so I can actually afford to go to graduate school and eat. Also so when I'm off working for my fiture my new husband will be able to have a job he actually likes to support us with. I will also be looking for a part time job that will work around papers and internships. But that brings up where we live. I will be selling a house, I hope for enough, to get us another or we will be in a apartment again.
I hope jobs will be up crime will be down, and my friends who are so far away will be home and safe. I hope that my friends who are still in the US get there rights to marry, to find a job, to graduate and opertunities. That is why we went to college to make a better future for ourselves and others, right?

Then I hope for things that have nothing to do with the US, the new precidency, goverment.

I hope I will find happiness. I have been feeling a part of me empty and torn for so long I hope the next four years atleast the tearing will stop. I hope to find my wings and my balance again. I hope to be a good wife and good student and feel that I'm not dragging either down with my need to run. I hope to hae a home, a plan, a future. That after two more years of schooling I will have a job I love and doesn't make me wonder what else I could be doing.
I hope to have a dog.
I hope to travel see the isles, see the world in part and pieces.
I hope to finish the mond of books I've set aside for so long.
I hope to have my art and tried something I never though was option for me, even if it doesnt turn out.
I hope to finish more of my writing, at least one more book or series. Then try to get them out to a few people in this world.
In the next four years I just want to make my mark before my life is into what people say are your best years.

So the next for years holds alot promise and hope not just for the nation but me and mine.
I hope Obama does a good job, I wouldn't want it. You go in with so many people loving you and you come out with more hating you, and only history can tell the diffrence. History none of us will live to see the truth off.
Gods and spirits help the new guy he is going to need it because to many hopes are relliying on him.

And gods and spirits help me to fufill my own hopes and to make a better person then I am.
I want to be the woman that wakes up in the morning and the devil says "OH, crap. She's up."

Kepp fighting

I got a dog, but things aren't working so I am going to return him to the pound. Hate doing that but our personalities aren't metioning. In three weeks I haven't really gotten attached to him. But I feel guilty throwing him back into the worst place anydog can go. He has already spent 2 months in a pound down in southern california before I choose him.
He isn't a bad dog, there are no bad dogs. I'm just not the right owner.
At first he laid on my lap and read with me. Curled up in my bed, was my shadow. In just the last week he has begun to chew everything that is a nono, nip me, ignore me, keep me up all night. I was potty training him and making progress then he degressed. You can take him out two or three times in a row and he'll still go in the house.
I swear he has even gone from recognising his name to not.
I don't know what happened but I have had him for three weeks, but in this last week he has been a totally different dog.
I feel like he is afraid of me, he slinks around me and tucks his tail between his legs. I've had to scold him for so much stuff in the last four days.
I'm just not the right parent for him, which sucks because I really want a dog again. But I need one I can trust. one that atleast sleeps thru the night. I haven't had a full night of sleep since I got him.
I don't want to be alone in this house but I also don't want to be in it wiht someone that is not here with me be it man or animal.

Loki needs a yard, someone who has the patience to train him, wake up at two oclock in the morning and six to entertain his curosity. Who has maybe children and other dogs.

I'm just afraid he is sick or something and that is why he is acting funny and then i'm going to get rid of him when he can't be himself.

But that still doesn't change the fact that after three weeks I haven't gotten attached to him, I feel like I'm babysitting someone elses dog. I usally bond to my animal in two or three days.

He is a lovely little 15 lb shelty (maybe mini greyhound) mix. He is two years old and was found on the street with a leather coller but no tags. He has been in a home before because he new about beds and couches, but I think he was a mostly outside dog. He is extremly timid and docile when people are around and other dogs. He does all the bad stuff when no one is looking. He is newtered. Not the brightest bulb in the shop, but he does (or did) pick things up fast.
Its funny he'll be peeing outside and a dog will bark or something and he will get distracted and forget to finish.
he has the oh shinny syndrom.

Its just at the pound i was torn between him and a puppy. My sis and me talked about it and i desided on him. Because i didn't want to have to deal with a puppy with all the other stuff I'm doing.

Now I'm thinking about graduate school in just a year and where would that place a dog.

I miss having dogs I have had them my whole life and they have been more then a saving grace for me. My last dog Chance was my best friend and saved my life in many ways.
I've been without a dog for almost four yrs because of his death and college. Now I just look at Loki and wish for Chance.

I know I will never love a dog like I loved Chance, but Loki is not going to be my second love and I am seeing that now.

I just don't want to take him to the pound and gamble his life that he will find a good loving home. I've never had to take my own dog to a pound. I've taken my dads and my sisters. The choice wasn't mine but I wanted to give the dogs love before they had to go back to that place. Now it is my fault. If I had the enrgy, the patience, the feelings he wouldn't have to go back.
I just don't.
If he was human I would have no problem saying goodbye your just not right for me, but Loki doesn't understand.
How do you tell soemthing that has the mind of a three year old child that doesn't speak english that they are just no good for you or viseversa.

So far my desition to get a dog feels like the rest of my desitions after graduating college. Like I gambled on the wrong horse with someone elses money. It ust hasn't paid off and now I feel like shit.

My dad wants me to take him today, I made my desition not to keep him yesterday morning. And I still think even if Loki reforms his ways I still wont feel attached to him.

You know that feeling when something feels like you are the place holder. I believe everything has a reason, everything effects the other. So maybe I was suppose to get Loki out of California because his home is here in Nevada with a nice insomniac couple or single person with an old dog and a yard with plenty of old sneakers to chew on.

So first off I'm graduated with a BA in World history-main focus medievil periods. I have a job to start in Nevada in a musuem, don't know as of yet just how much work I'm going to be doing. My Dad is living in my house till his is finished in March or so.
I am ingadged to my wonderful loving Badger and seperated from him until May.
Spending time with my sis and her inlaws in So Cal right now and will be back to start my new job for the new year. Love my sis but ready after being down here for 5 days to get unpacked and moved into my new life. Also tired of footbal and the nopise of being in someone elses house.
I have so much to do at my house: go through all the old crap, unpack the crap from collage, finish a kitchen, figure out living with my Dad for a bit, and the ins and outs of a new town.

I got a new dog a cute 2 yr old shelty mix from the streets. Named him Loki because he is a mystery and going to be mischofe for me till we figure eachother out. But he seems to like me and is staying by my side. He doesn't even know sit so we got alot of work to do. Glad to have a fuzz face again after almost 4 yrs without one and without being close to my love. I need someone to hug. MyDad also got his own dog. So I will be taking care of two for the price of one till he moves out.

So as I look at the new year quickly apraouching it will be full of challanges. Like no one gets my jokes, again. I am alone in a room full of people. Need to start working on my wedding, taking care of a house, settling into a job, and training a dog.
I wonder if I have taken on just one thing to much with Loki but as he sleeps here on the floor with me as I play with the coputer despratly trying to not get irritated by the football game down the hall. I thin k I did the right thing to adopt my little lost wander and wonder where we will go in our new lives together.

Like the closing of a year all things must pass and change. College must end lives and jobs must begin and those will end/change too. The distance makes us stronger and shows the ties of a relationship. Family stays even through the miles and years.

So wish me luck in my new life and I will give a pet to a once lost dog for you.

The gift to myself and to Loki is a chance at a new life after years of hardship.

Happy New Years my the next be batter then the last and may your minds and hearts be filled with the possibilities.

So I just spent three hours, count them three, in the emergency room waiting to see what the hell was fucking wrong with me. I went in for a really bad stomach ache wich had alot of sytoms of apendicitis. I went through a series of pokes and proding, and other embaricing things plus a ct scan. I waited in the room like a good little puppy whering one of those stupid gowns. Trying to laugh it all off only to be told so calisly that I have a cyst on my overy. He told me like he was talking to a lab book without actually tellingme what the fuck was wrong with me. I was so pissed that I was on the verge of tears. He was like whell if the pain persist have another doctor check you in six weeks. I had to figure out what the hell a syste on my girly parts even was.
He could have told me, what webmd did in three pages, that this is a common thing for woman of childbearing age, that it should go away in a few months and if not treatment is a small surgery, in and out. That my body, parts I don't even really want, is not so fucked up.
The only reason I went to the fucking emergency room was that my Badger is an emt, my premed friend freaked when I told her where my stomach hurt, and my dad and sis told me to go. Let alone my roomate and other friend where worred. You know why i didn't want to go see a doctor to see if anything was wrong with me it was because of fucki head like the doctor who told me like I was nothing that something was wrong with my overies. How would he like it if someone had told him somthing was growing on his prostate without informing him it was common, should go away on its own, easily treated if it doesn't and wasn't his fucking body doing the tango when it should be doing the walts.
All my life I have been faced with doctor who treat me like a lab speciman or like a fucking thing that is jsut standing in the way of there next coffee break.
I am a human female being, I breath I pay their outragous bills and I don't come to the services of a doctor lightly.
The next time I set foot in an emergency room door I better have a limp cut off or be fuckign unconcous so those fuck heads they call doctors will actually have to treat me like a patient or I don't have to deal with them personally.

I HATE FUCKING DOCTORS, HOPSPITALS, AND MEDICAL DICKHEADS!!!!!!!!!!

God graced us with nurses so us patients wouldn't pound the doctors into little tiny pulps of bleeding gooo!

Ok, I feel better. I'm good. I'll take care of my own freak body and graduate get out of here. God I jsut wanted to bite him and not in a good way. In a there goes your jugular across the floor and I laugh as you bleed to death way.

Do I have anger isues, Fucking hell yes, those people should just be glad I'm so fucking scared of going to prison.

*Breatha big sigh*

Ok now I feel better. God give me the patience not to kill the stupid and fuckheads in the world and thankyou for the good nurses and the few good kind human doctors out there.

Night y'all.

From september to now I have been rehearsing hard with the choir for a performance in December. But tonight all the bad notes, restarts, and having to see Honiger was worth it. Tonight we had the orchastra with us and the rest of our ansamble.
We never sounded so good. The feel of the vibrations from the brasses and basses. The strings meldding into the sopranos, the harp with the altos. Actually having enough tenor there to hear them.

It was amazing. I have been infront of choirs and orchastras and been like wow, but being with them part of them was like amazing. I was just grinning like a fool as I sang and it could be heard in my voice. My throat is so raw now.
It was like a high you get from exsasting your body doing a staff or sword form over and over again till it it just right. That exsasted but high on life good feeling.
It was just amazing. I have had doubts about being in a chour and almost quiet a few times because of my not reading music, not being that trained, to busy, blah blah blah. But I stuck with it and now I know why.
In a few weeks I will be signing to a chrowd of people. My voice will blend in but i will still sign proud because in a way they can here me. I hope some of my friends will be in that crowd.

I have been wanting to be in a chore since middle school, but anumber of resons kept me out. Most being a choice between martial arts and signing.
So with this closing year in collage I have finished a childs dream.

I love signing. I'm not the best, but I'm certainily not the worst.

Writer block isn't completly gone yet but I'm so close to being done with my thesis I don't even care. Just have to look at the notes, scrample them up, and anylisis them out. Even got on outline, thoug be short, for my Japanese paper. Should be able to get my thesis done this week then can get started on my Japanese paper this weekend. If nothing goes array, fates willing, please. Going to take a break now since I have been working all day, some of it actual work at a job. Still got one class to go tonight and need to study for my muscle test (ugh) tommarow. Just want a c.
Ok so doing much better with the stress now that I feel like I'm getting somewhere, the migrane meds help too.
Just got to remeber to stop and eat and take a break everyonce in awhile.

get this my dad just bought me a 83 sportster harley and his insist across the phone that is i dont drive it he will kick me in the butt. he told me this monday which was a great offset to a highly emotional day. so i have spent the last few days trying to figure out why. my dad never buys me anything if it isnt like my bday or xmas. even then the most extrevigent things have been paintings which are an investment towards my future and either my mom or me have been there to choose them. so usally i get a card with money.
he has only bought me big stuff, and this is big, for apology or bribe.
i think i figured it out as my graduation present since it and he are in nevada whill im finishing up here.
ive always wanted a motercycle, well a trik since all my dizzies, and i love american motercycles, specifically indian. my mom would have killed me if i bought my own. so maybe he can get away with it now.
all i really do know is i own a bike, i need to get insurance and a liscence for it, oh and a helmate since mine is to small. my brain grew bigger in collage.

thanks dad and i love you and the first thing i am asking when i see this thing is why.

yes thesis, suppose to be working on that. Know my fact where I want to go jsut can't seem to get those lovely little words down on the page. Just need 25 pages done by a little over a month. At start of twenty just can't seem to get any farther have a lot to say and far to go. Going to be over 25 in the end and I know it. Just got to get it typed only been doing stuff for it a little over a year now. In the end I just want to get a B on it so I can graduate and get out of here.
Part of the problem is I keep wanting to get distracted on my other paper which is smaller but needed to graduate too just not as much as my thesis.
Maybe I should turn off the computer for a bit do my reading for my other class then try back here again. So I stop checking the internet everytime I hit a road block.
been doing reading and working on this stuff all week, need to go pick up my draft. need a vacation.
enough said now back to work *sound of whip in background*

There has been alot of stuff going around about proposition eight wether it means the end of marrage as we know it and all of that. I am usally not a political person but I fell I need to speak out on this one.
You may wonder why I am leaving my place of listneing to speaking? It is because of a dream and love.
I have a dream that one day this sad little world of ours will get better, that people will exsept eachother for who and what they are, that people can and will lay aside hate and predicises for love. Why do I believe this? Because I have seen how wonderful our twisted little species is. How we have the capacity to love.

Unfortunaltly people don't see what I see. See that the love of my dear friend Johanma and Carrissa is just as strong as the love of me and David. marrage is about love in this modern world of ours. It is about being able to be with the person of your chosing for the rest of your life, if you so wish. Marrage has not always been this way, it has eveolved to this state. So now it is time for another eveolution. The evolution to incumpase all who chose and love who ever they chose and love.

Propasition 8 is a stop to this eveolution. But it is also something much darker. It is a step back for freedom. We have strived long and hard in this country to have freedom and the rights that come with it. If you don't believe me look at the civil rights movement. We have gone to war more then once over this sense that every man and woman has a set of rights. So why are we trying to denigh such a simple right of passage to so many people.

The ability to marry is not just about love it is also about legal ramifications, about stability. Take for exsample the ability to let your lvoe go. Think about it. If your husband/wife was in a major car accident and you know they would not want to survive on a machine, you would have the ability to let your love go. A long standing partner in a gay/lesbian relationship does not have this right. They might not be even able to see their loved one. The next question in such a trajedy is what about the kids. In a traditional marrage the kids are taken into the care of the surviving spouse/parent. But a homosexual cuples kids could be taken away from the survivor. So many things fall into the holdings of a marrage. Stae and fedral laws, taxes, so much.

We as Americans don't like to be told we can't do something. It is our lives we will do as we wish, right? So why are we telling others what they can and can't do with theirs. We all know a homosexual person, you may not be friends with them or related to them, but you know one even if you don't think you don't. Why should they have to hide their love, when you would be outraged if you had to hide yours.

So where is my stanse in all this, what titles do I hide under. I am a straight woman in love with a straight man that lives with a lesdian. I have many gay and lesvibian friends, collage got to love it. I have two lesdian friends who wish to marry and are relising that because of bigotry they may not be able to. They are the sweetest, cutest, ans strongest couple I have ever seen barring a long term marriage, and I love them for it. That is where I stand.

So hear my heartfelt plea, think twice before you check that little box yes. Think about what you are taking away from so many loving couples and future couples. Think about what you hold dear. If we let homosexuals marry it will not be the end of marrage as we know it, just the next step in a long proses of unifing the human species. Where ever you stand in liking or disliking this alterantive form of love remeber how you would feel is someone told you you could love your husband/wife/sinificant other because they didn't fit the social norm. I leave yo with one last fact. We once had interacial couples banned because it wasn't good for society. Should that go back into place too?

Thank you for reading and I hope I made you think. Please vote no on prop 8 because it will put discrimination/hate into the Calfiornian state constitution.